I LOVE HER

I can’t help crying. I have been trying not to do so for the past few months since the doctor came up with the diagnosis. I don’t want to show her that I’m sad. I want her to be strong! To fight! But… I forget that she was a fighter long time ago. Always a fighter! She’d been through so much… yet she’d still smile and accepted life as it is.

I was the weak one, actually!

Last Sunday was the third times I saw her pale face. The beautiful face with black bushy eyebrow and a sweet dimple smile has suddenly faded away. She looks sick and it really breaks my heart.  It carries a sense of sick feeling that running in my heart. I was holding up tears. Dear Allah! Please don’t take her away! Please make her sickness go…

I love her! She’s my dear sister, she's like the other half of me who is only two years younger. We grew up together, went to the same school. We shared growing pains. We laugh together a lot and of course fight occasionally… and seeing her like that really makes me wanna break down and cry.

I cried in my heart. I cried in my sleep. I cried in my car… where nobody else sees. I’m afraid of losing her. I wish the diagnosis was wrong. I pray that the doctors had made mistakes. They misdiagnosed and it is just a normal problem. But I know… I can’t go on pretending...

I miss the old her, the one who laughs a lot. The one who eats whatever food that she sees. She used to say that... she eats everything except woods and stones. Now... she seldom laughs, only smile. She eats only certain food... only the one that suits her conditions. And I was holding up tears when she said to me one day.. ' Tam! I have decided not to go for an operation. If I die in the near future, just accept that it is fully fated. Its in Allah hand and not because I refused the operation...'

I wish I can take her place. I wish I was the one who's sick for I don't have a big responsibility. I have no kids to look after. Any of my sibling can replace me of taking care of my mom... and surely they will do better than me. I don't wanna have to go through losing someone very dear to me. I want Allah to take me first. Astaghfirullah hal adzimmm! Who am I to decide all this? Everything is in Allah's hand and He knows better... He knows the best!

I want to ignore the truth. I want to believe that it was just a dream. My little sister is okay. She will be okay! She will always be okay!!! But doing that won’t help her...

I need to be there for her. I need to pray for her. I pray for her good health… I pray for her good life… I pray for her happiness… I wish her to be here forever as long as I live…

p/s... English saya tunggang langgang, but writing in english affect me less emotionally! :(